The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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