There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
