No awkward lesbian experiences without me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
