ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's never too late to be topless.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
