WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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