omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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