I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
