I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
