Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
