made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
