you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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