I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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