Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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