Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
