even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
