My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is this like a preordered booty call?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
