C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
it's like iHOP with fire
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
