dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
