I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
