WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and she was petting her beer can
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
