i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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