i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
