What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
