I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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