I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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