My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
