his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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