obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
