Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
