if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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