i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
