Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
