i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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