too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
