There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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