too bad you live with your parents still
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
