Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
