nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
