I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
