she woke up with a sticky ear
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
