I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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