My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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