You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
