Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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