get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
