just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do you have feelings for this penis?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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