I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
