Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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