I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
