Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
