What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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