Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
