Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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