Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
