what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
