i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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