She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
