you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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