you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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