She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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