During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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