woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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