My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
