And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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