you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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