Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
