Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
