I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
