we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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