I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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