According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
